We brought too much food for the party, and too little batteries for the cameras. I dig SwuJuan's basketball style today, the last time to Roc Your Body 23A! is over. And I officially lost my mind this afternoon. (What the hell were you thinking, Tze)
Swimming with the girls later.
"I don't want the world to see me,
because I don't think the world understands."
I'm feeling uncharacteristically melancholic at the moment. The luxury of time to think about matters of the heart is rather depressing.
Feel for a 1am phone call and an old friend's comfortable silence.
The top of the playground's slide,
you take one side of the earphones and I will take the other.
The world can sleep while our B&J melts beside.
Tonight.
(But you're all the way at the other side of the world, living out life the way you said you would. It's one exciting country to another, but do you miss home and us you left behind? Because I miss you, Ril. I really do. )
I need your comfortable presence and how you will never judge me on why I did the things I did now. You will understand, you always do.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
who knows how to love you without being told.
Somebody tell me why am I on my own,
if there's a somebody for everyone.
It was a long week that flew by, (how oxymoronic I know) but my brain feels raped with all the impending and past mock exams and essays and assignments and prep talks that I think I've temporarily lost the ability for coherence. Pardon me, but this entry is going to be in a very higgledly-piggedly manner.
Mock exams are the flavors of the week. It was Math to Chemistry to General Paper to another huge-ass Math mock which was so impossible to do that it got my girls seeking solace in Burger King right after. Call it the binge-therapy theory, why not.
Everyone agrees I'm turning yellow. My mother is seriously considering a medical check-up and my father thinks I'm bulimic. @#$%^! this is getting out of hand.
Economics seminar was totally useless, all the Economics teachers from IJC zao-ed during the tea reception. We obediently followed suit. Dammit, my four dollars and not even anything from the tea reception. Ecnomics students hungry kids. So it was IMM with Lai Lai, Cindy, Bentink and Weechen. That was surprisingly very enjoyable.
(Lai Lai, we have to track down that Thai place and don't tell anyone so nobody will form bloody queues. PINEAPPLE FRIED RICE OMGZXZX!)
The bloody rain is ridiculous.
And I realize someone rather entertaining is spamming our class blog. Any idea who this Cheryl person is and why is she calling us chicken-byes? What is a chicken-bye anyway?
No more for now, I found an awesome site selling the most gorgeous dresses at the most orgasmic prices I AM OFF BABY.
P.S Joyce I saw a bright pink car today and I secretly named it after you.
It's 3.32 am and I can't get to sleep.
Moments like these when you think about randoms, staring at the single dot of light on your air-conditioner. I thought about the talk I had with Mom in the jacuzzi five hours ago, and how she lost complete contact with her best friend from her girlish days. She told me how they used to be inseparable, and how her best friend would only board the bus if she saw my mother's waving hand out of the rear window every morning to school. Now they have lost complete contact, my mother tried calling, but it seems like she changed her mobile number. I saw that wistful look on her face in the pool, she thought it was too dark for me to notice.
I thought about the frenzied studying taking place, the cramming of concepts and formulas in which we will hold and only finally regurgitating when November disembark-- and promptly forgetting everything once that three hours are up. The vehement fight to park one's behind safely into a local institution to only begin on another vicious pursuit for yet another spot in firms and companies, in another word, to seek for a job, which will undoubtedly evolve inexorably into life's typical hamster's wheel, we, the hamsters running and never ending, for the money, it's always about the money. When will it not be about money?
I thought about friends, the all-consuming center of our teenage years. The friends from secondary classes, the friends from netball, the friends from junior college. Friends so vastly different from one another, but somehow or another, we always end up with the same problems that rock the boat. I thought about being 18 and what it heralds, all the vices that defines this generation's hip factor? I don't fancy the number 8 much though, 8 feels like its near the end, two more numbers and you end a chapter in life, mate. And as so many say, this is the best chapter I will ever live.
I thought about National day and the theme song this year. They seem to lose the flavor of a national song steadily every year. What every happened to good old hearty "We are Singapore, we are Singapore. We will stand together to hear the lion roar."? I remember churning it out gustily when I was a kid, and thinking childishly that we've got the best national day song in the whole wide world.
I thought about love, and why it is so much harder to forgive love than to forgive hate. Somewhere in a book, I came across this line "The one who holds the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least." Apt, rather. People rant about living in a society full of facades and masquerades, but they never stop to think how necessary it is, this form of self-protection. Emotional investments has heavy costs and if any, uncertain returns.
I thought about the scene in the flick Men in Black, in which both of them opened a locker and realized an entire world is living inside, and how the scene expanded to show that their world is only another tiny locker in a bigger universe.
I have funny thoughts.
Its 4.53 am, another day beckons.
Go ahead and socialize with that new person. It will be interesting for you both.
Try not to be too suspicious of someone who has been paying a lot of attention to you lately. Why are you doubting that they are genuinely interested in you? There are no strings attached, so stop worrying. It makes perfect sense that they would want to get to know you better, so why don't you let them? Drop your guard just a little bit and let them in. Go ahead, and socialize with them. It will be very interesting and illuminating for you both.
Please give me strength. I (desperately) need to be strong enough to tide over these few months and I'm (not) just referring to my studies. (I'm sorry that) I'm just not steady enough in so many aspects in my messed up life. (I'm sorry that) I've been neglecting and have been neglected by people who matters most to me. (I hate it that) I allow myself to be affected by them, because it just means that I (stupidly) let myself be vulnerable (again). I (hate myself for) being played a fool, and permitting myself to be used (over and over again). I feel so much contempt for my weakness, that I think I'm brimming with self-loathing.
I'm (not) strong enough. All I want to do is break down and cry.
