To YOU

Pre-script: Maybe I should insert a tagbox, because I know for a fact that many of you sneaky wrenches do actually frequent this place, but it seems excruciatingly hard for you to make me feel loved, or you can't find it.
So for the people who genuinely can't find it, click on the "stark" at the bottom of every entry and stop making excuses.
And for those lazy incurables; once in a while, it wont hurt.


rant rant rant.
I need to let it out, before it eats me up inside.

Your words tore me up, not a quick rip, but a slow shedding, bit by angonizing bit. I'm beyond hurt. I'm beyond fury. I'm beyond indignation. I'm really really disappointed. So very disappointed.

"Nobody is gonna care whether you're there or not."
You think WE don't care? You think it gives us joy to see you suffering? Is that what you really think? Yes, you see us laughing, having fun. So you think it doesnt matter whether you're there or not. But did you EVER see us, talking, so so frustrated, so HURT, always pondering, why are you ignoring us? JUST US. Its ALWAYS us. Not Flora, not Eileen. What have we done to deserve your cold-shoulder? Did you ever think how much that hurt us? Did we do something so terrible? You didnt see this side, cuz you're never there. We saved you a seat in Math, like we ALWAYS do. Yet you chose to sit some place else. You didn't wait for us aftr lessons, always going off first. Tell me, put yourself in our shoes, what would you have done? And the WORST thing is, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT TRIGGERED THIS INCIDENT.

Do you KNOW how helpless I felt? I kept thinking and thinking, did I do something wrong? Did I NOT do something? Do you know that feeling of utter helplessness, when you so BADLY wanted to rectify the situation to get things back to the way they were and not beeing able to do it because I have no bloody clue on WHAT made you so angry with us in the first place. And YOU didnt want to enlighten us either, all you kept saying was, you shouldnt bother, it doesnt matter now, its nothing. FUCK IT, it cant be nothing. STOP saying its NOTHING. WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE TO SAY SOMETHING IS NOTHING AND JUST MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE?

And you tell us we shouldnt bother? And why in God's name shouldnt we bother? We were SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, you have no idea how much you guys mean to me. And here you are, telling me I shouldnt bother. I wanted to help so badly, but no, I neednt bother. WHY WHY WHY? Friends are supposed to HELP each other, be open, be honest.

WHATS WITH ALL THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS, LIES AND HALF-TRUTHS?

Why can't we go back to normal? WHY DAMMIT. I miss those times when we hung out together at cafe galilee, pizza ht or wherever. Laughing at other people, laughing at ourselves. Having such a damned good time. I miss those times we confide in each other, and the MSN conversations. The FOUR of us. So tightly knitted. BUT WHY IS EVERYTHING FALLING APART NOW?

I tried talking to you on Monday, I got snubbed twice, three times. It bruised my ego, and hurt my pride. But because you're worth it, I didnt care. And I thought everything was alright, i was so happy when you joined us for lunch, and us saying that we will be coming back to Cavana every day of the week. Wednesday was great, you crapped with me throughout Math tutorial, singing children songs and disney melodies.

Then on thursday, it all snapped.

We lost the match, I was in a shitty mood. And I realised, you started ignoring us again. How many blows do you think I can take? How many blows are you going to deal me? We didnt ignore you, we saved you a seat. You didnt take it. You went off without waiting for us. What are we suppposed to do, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME. You snubbed me on Monday when I tried mending ties, do you think I have enough ego to take it again?

Once bitten, twice shy.

Regardless, we tried again on Friday. Oh god, can't you SEE? How many many times have we approach you FIRST? How many times have we made the first move? Do you think if you were somebody insignifcant or not of importance to me, I would suffer so many beatings to my pride? Get this straight, I guard my pride obsessively. Nobody messes with it. THIS alone should tell you your worth. Did you get it, my dear dear friend?

It all seemed better, and I went home with a lighter heart. I thought maybe everything can go back to normal now. It might take some time, yes but I was willing to wait it out. Wait for things to thaw between you and A. It will, that I was certain, it just needed some time for both parties.

But when I got home, L told me about what you said and it shattered everything in me.

WHY DAMMIT WHY.

Why cant things go back to normal? IF there's a will, there's a way. Time heals all wounds. I long for the past. Why cant we? I put in so much, and yet here you are, telling me things can never be the same again. DID YOU EVEN FUCKING TRY?

Everything's falling apart now. I have no idea what's the next step, because I have done everything I could, and yet you shot down all hopes with YOUR convictions. You shot down my efforts and wasted my emotions. But did you even TRY?

"I dislike school now, because the only reason why I enjoy attending school is gone."
You can enjoy school again and you know it. It all lies within you now, because God knows I've tried my best. And I'm sorry, but I'm on the edge of breaking down already. I wish I can be stronger and just plough on, and just keep on trying, but I dont think I can withstand it, if with my every try, comes a blow from you. I'm only hanging by a thread now, and it might just snap any moment.

I'm sorry if this entry has offended you in any way, or you misunderstood some of my points. But the truth is, I'm too tired to care. I just hope you get this the right way, and that I care. So much that it hurts. And I still do. I hope this wakes you up in someway or clear your misgivings about us. Because you have no idea how much I want things to be back to the way before. And if you do, you know what to do.

The ball's in your court now.

P.S I'm sorry if anyone of you got bored of this emo shit. But this is important to me and this entry is really just for him.