Selamat Hari Raya

It has always been a favourite pastime of mine; people-watching. Only at this time of the year, it gets a lot more interesting.

I like the Hari Raya festival. I always make it a point to get out of house, and simply feast my eyes on the explosion of colours. The malay traditional costumes are simply breathtaking. Creamy whites, brillant golds and silvers, velvety blacks and browns, lovely soft lilac and rose pastels, striking emeralds and sapphires. A smorgasboard of colours, sometimes it gets too a little too much for the eyes. But 'tis such a pleasant visual strain.

Their dresses never fail to make every woman look like a princess. (Nudges Khairyn!) Those long graceful outfits, some painstakingly embroidered with intricate designs, some bejeweled with sparkling rhinestones, some mysteriously veiled with a wisp of chiffon. It hints of the curves that the silk hides, but yet never really revealing them. The femmine cut of the gown lends elegance to the wearer, and portrays grace. Can't you tell by now, how absolutely enamoured I am by the malay traditional costume? (:

It's always such a novelty to me, when I see families donning the same shade of colour. It warms the heart, to see such displays of family unity. You might not have it, but hell nobody will ever know from looking at your bloodkins. A cluster of purple, a flock of red. Teenage daughters looking gorgeous in peacock blue, younger brothers looking equally adorable in the same shade. Some think it's humliating, but I for one, admire the togetherness the costumes displays. If you ain't afraid of wearing your class tee shirt with about 20 other people, why should you cower in shame wearing the same colour as your own blood? Come on, hold your head up high and walk a little straighter, you should be proud. Do you think the other races can do the same? Not very likely. Be proud of your culture, I would if I were you. Your culture is rich and your traditions are still not that long lost yet. It's something worth gloating.

Tell me, when the Lunar New Year rolls around, what are the chances you will be able to get a glimpse of a qipao or a cheongsam? Not very high. You can't really blame us either, the form-fitting oriental dress seem to be made for women with disgustingly perfect proportions. Flat chest, big ass or a tummy? Forget it. You will never look good. Admittedly, when one has the figure, the dress will look infinitely sexy. But tell me, how many women in the world has barbie-like silhouttes?

Oh well, you might call it a blessing in disguise. Because of our impossible traditional costumes, nobody ever wears it now. Hence, chinese new year is another excuse for us youths to spend daddy or mommy's bucks to get trendy new skirts, tops and the latest jeans. Don't get all self-righteous on me, you know that as well as I do. But hey, who's complaining? (:

Alright so I'm way digressing now. But veering back to topic, to all muslims out there, Selemat Hari Raya and wear your gorgeous clothes with pride! You've got the envy of the lady here.

P.S Lisda, Khairyn, Shahril(s) - I still want those photos!

Grammer, where art thou?

Why do people like to say they are SADDED? Does that make sense to you? Fine if you're SAD, okay with me if you're sadder than sad, or even saddest. But you DO NOT become SADDED.
It's as if they have attained the optimum level of sadness in their lives, and felt that sad cannot justify their depression anymore and they go around wrecking the English language with words like SADDED. Bloody hell, you do not try to make an adjective a tense. That's like trying to wear plaid with stripes. It clashes. Dig up that old primary one grammer guide, you ought to be burying your face into the book and never coming out until you know the difference between a verb and an adjective.

If you think I sound like a prissy old maid of an english teacher with a rod up her ass, think again. Would you rather go around moaning to people that you are SADDED, and have them trying to stifle their snickers instead of doling out sympathy or would you rather express your unhappiness eloquently? Good God, I know you're broken inside and yadda bam bam, but at least retain a bit of your brain matter please.

Another day, another rant. It seems like the world is in abundance of things for the lady to be pissed off about.

A page out of Tim Burton's

Stick Boy noticed that his Christmas tree looked healthier than he did.

Happy Birthday Adri

The princess is finally seventeen. She with her wisecracks and megawatt smile. She with the silliest expressions and endless energy. The girl always seemed to know exactly when I'm not at my best, and never failed to cheer me up in some way. Love the times at Cafe Galilee, Pizza Hut and Banquet. Life in IJ is never as much fun without you around, sunshine. You're my one and only Khairyn Adriana, and always will be. You can never imagine how many times I asked myself what would have happened if you did not transfer back here. Life would be different and certainly not as fabulous. Happy happy 17th, darling.

I hope you enjoyed the surprise today, the cupcakes and the dinner. Although because of Lissie, Flora and I had to wander like foolish tourists around the blocks trying to find the bloody place to collect the cupcakes. But tt was the usual madness to be around you nuts. The times with you four dears are intoxicating and addictive, it got me hooked and wanting more. So get your act together, people, and GEL! Laughs.

P.S I'm PMSy right now. Not in the mood to talk much. Good night, readers.

This is the 123rd post...

and when I'm up for the 456th post, I'll let you know.

We started out with the intention to meet up for breakfast at Coffee Bean's and heading for school after that. But Eils, was outstandingly late for about an hour and half (Clap for her, please) and by the time she cabbed down, it was already 9. Impulse is a dangerous little thing, it led us to get tickets for 1045's John Tucker Must Die. But every cent of that 7bucks spent was bloody worth it, not only because the movie was my kind of flick, crammed full of uber itchiness, fluffy romances and beautiful people, but the movie theatre had a grand total of three viewers; us. Put three giggling girls into an empty theatre with a gorgeous lead actor, it doesn't take much to guess what will ensue, does it. I will tell you the answer, but my throat still hurts from all the screaming.

The flick left us all swooning and sighing, and Eils had to rush back to school to meet up her PW mates. The transition was a tad blurry, I had no idea how it happened, but somehow Flor and me met up with Lissie (silly girl ditched us in the morning because she overslept and ended up moaning about nobody is going to watch John Tucker with her anymore) to work out at Yishun's gym. I have never been in a public gym before and it was an experience, with people milling around and sour-faced instructors glaring surly at you as if you were about to lug the treadmill and run. But it was overall fun, because of the company. Working out with friends is definitely better than working alone.

So now I'm back home, wiped from the day's shimgles and my folks thought I had an exhausting day in school. Tsk, I hope my conscience would not eat me up alive. Anyhoots, back to school tomorrow and ProjectWork is ready to screw me in the ass all over again.

Good Night, people.

Good Morning

It's 7.18 and I'm still in my jammies, wasting my existence away in front of this marvellous piece of technology called the computer. School's still on today, don't get you panties up ina bunch. I'm skipping school in the morning for Coffee Bean's breakfast with Flor and Eils. And my parents are in blissful oblivion because they are still sleeping their asses off.

This is a meaningless bigmouthnobrain entry simply because I'm bitching hungry and nobody interesting is online. But alright, I'm going to be late in meeting them and all, so toodles darlings. And classmates, if you're reading this, have fun in school! Rat on us, and thou shall perish.

Big hooters

The definition of junior means being smaller than the usual size. Either the people think it's such a hoot to pull off a prank on the customers, or their language just plain sucked. Because the burgers in Carl's Junior is anything but. In fact, it's like the motherlode of burgers. The big momma.

Tong, Mel and I almost gagged ourselves to death trying to fnish two burgers between three of us. But people, the burgers are heaven. It blows your diet completely and absolutely, but damned its good. Burger King and Macdonald's cannot hold a candle to the mighty one. I jest you not. And the onion rings are madness.

Even SHE thinks its good,



But from the looks of it, I will bet my non-anorexic ass that she has never tried any of the burgers before. Or she probably scarfed it down and threw it up when the crew weren't looking.

If Americans eat like this everyday, it's no wonder more than half of their people are overweight. One burger alone is probably enough to clog up your arteries.

And now, I'm off to the gym to burn away all those beef.

P.S It was fun today, girls. It was great seeing you again and the shopping was marvellous. Meet up soon and good luck for the first day of school!

The Magic

I scrambled to find words to describe that moment, digging deep into my apparently fluff-filled frontal lobe. That moment magic, was not worthy of words, somehow or rather, that was what I felt. But Lisda changed my mind when she offered me this quote :

"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

Fits like old washed out jeans we all love to wear on sloppy days.

Thrashing

PW : 8
TZE : 0

I'm fighting a losing battle over here.

Happy Mid Autumn

It was hard to decipher exactly what that particular sensation falls under. Was it a giddy joy, a mindless ecstasy or maybe a wee bit too much nescafe? And you will try your utmost to locate this feeling, but it slips and slides, like water through cupped palms. You squeezed your fingers tightly together, but futile would best describe your effort. You will always feel like you are on the verge of tasting that sweet taste of knowledge, of the know-who, the know-how, but somehow, something tips you back and its back to square one all over again. The frustration of not being able to identify it but only being able to experience in the briefest nano-second is hair-wrenchingly vexing, yes. (:

Sometimes, you crave to plunge down into that bottomless recess and yank that damned thing out. Shake it by its shoulders and demand to ask what the hell it actually is. so the next time you ever crave to feel like this again, you might have a chance to conjour it up. But these little tingles and slivers of sensations are intangible, something like the shadow of your midnight silhoutte, or the tiny circles of rainbows in pools of raindrops. Blink and you will miss it, try to grasp it and it's gone. All you can do is pause and stare, stop and concentrate. Savour that fleeting moment, don't try to understand it, but just feel, for you will never come this close again.

The low down

Let's take this step by step.

You don't leave a friendly tag at somebody's blog and proceed to thrash his entry on your own blog. It doesn't make sense. I could diassociate your actions shred by miserable shred if i wanted to, and you will, no doubt, look like a pre-school kindergardener with oats for brains. But no, I want to be on Santa's good list this year and will refrain from completely humiliating you via this wonderful thing we call the internet.

But still.

Here's the wisest advice anyone is going to give you, so listen up hon.

Before ripping your classmate's reputation to shreds on your blog, pause and look in the mirror. Regarding the first incident you wrote about, I can't really comment much since I wasn't there and didn't know what happened until they told me. (By the way, that's an advice if you don't know shit, and gotten your information through the grapevine: STUFF IT.) Regarding the second, yes I concede that the guy was a jerk about the whole thing, but pray tell, from the very start till the end, which microscopic part has it got to do with you?

Before the whole saga, weren't you as sweet as sugar to him? You leave little notes on his tagboard, all sunshine and smiles. But because he was embroiled in a conflict with his PW group and yes it was his fault, you decided to detest him? And your justifications for your disdain for him? Laughable. Because you HEARD he feeds guys, because his blog is pink. Yes when your reasons are written here, they look so foolish and petty, dont they? If you need an excuse to bitch about him, at least find plausible ones please.

Sometimes it's for the better if you step back and take a look at yourself first before deprecating others. Get off that self-righteous throne you're on and ask yourself, am I in the position to be reprimanding others right now?

Life's full of hypocrisy and lies. Everybody is a hypocrite, you will have to be to sustain in this society. But sometimes, some people cross the threshold and things just turn plain ugly. Know your limits dear girl, before you trap yourself in your tangle of double-sided opinions.

I know you're going to read this, and you are probably either trembling with anger or crying by now, and yes, you will think I'm the ultimate biatch. But you should be very clear by now that my opinion of you have changed since the first three months. I think my indifference towards was quite obvious. Yeapp you're probably thinking of a snappy comeback for this entry for your blog and who knows? You might blacklist me because my blog has dots or something.

But quoting from Rhys,
The more you throw things at me, the harder I'll fling it back at you. At the end of the day, the one feeling like an idiot won't be me. Wake up, think about it. Call me when you're sober.

Another controversial entry, let the proverbial shit hit the fan. It's another open can of worms all over again.

Deja Vu

Endless rows of bowed heads and the jerky writing movement of the arms.
Restless prowling teachers and useless sputtering fans.
The swift glides of pen onto paper and a dull ache in your wrist for writing too much, too fast.
IC at the top right corner of your table and a swill from your water bottle every now and than.
Clammy sticky feeling and heavy heat.

Tell me how is this familiar.

I'll give you a hint,
it starts with an O.

O Woe is me!

Taken from Eils,

"parents don't understand PW
especially when you tell them, you have to do much for PW..."

Never has a truer line been said. Sentiment shared completely, Eils. This might be due to the fact that I'm up now at 4 plus in the morning, trying to edit my group's written report, and that I am hungry cranky and cold. To top it off, I'm ill and it feels like mad stampede is running through my head. And all my mother could come up with is,

"Siao, do project also need to do until so late, waste my electicity. Project only ma, not like its your exams."

Mothers render you speechless sometimes.

I would've argued with her, but that would only waste my time and this bitch of a report needs to be submitted about five hours from now. And seeing how she is my mother, I would never have won my argument anyway. What's the point?

Enough said, back to work.

Neighbours

My apartment rests on the ninth floor and we share it with three other apartments. The one in front of mine is always locked and dusty, the daily newspapers accumulating on the doorstep until one fine day when the busboy finally gave up and stopped distributing any to that particular gate. Two other apartment lies on the opposite side, us and them seperated by the elevators. Each has a couple of kids, and i'm ashamed to say i'm not certain how many. But what I know is that the apartment the same side as ours has a small boy, not over the age of five. And the other houses a young girl, i'm guessing around six or seven. And these two young ones seem to share a special relationship. (:

Every noon, both of them lug their collection of toys to their respective gates and sit there for hours, yelling cheerfully across to each other, showing off new toys and envying each others'. Their laughters often heard, and distance regardless, they frequently role-played their toys in their many skits and fantasies. I've heard the cowboy one, the air-stewardess one and the batman fighting spiderman one already. The girl often teaches the younger boy the philosophies of life, of how you should always pick the M&Ms in the brown packaging because it contains more than the ones in yellow, and how Winnie the pooh is in reality, Bugs Bunny's long-lost cousin. The boy always listens, enraptured, but often adding in his two cents enthusiastically. This fun lasts for a couple of hours, before their nannies come, nagging at them to take their naps and ending this special playtime for the both of them.

Soon when they both enter primary schools, grow up abit, and make new friends, this little moment they share will be lost, fading into a very very vague memory, and soon, in their teenage years, they will probably forget that they ever knew each other the way they did before, as childhood memories are often the sweetest yet the most fleeting.

Rust

If this blog was an object, solid and tangible, it would be a notebook, filled with rantings and musings about this quirky thing called life. But it won't be one of those looseleaf notebooks with scribbles and random jots, the pages dog-eared and the cover slightly tattered, the very portrayal of a notebook well-loved by its owner. No, it would resemble more of a glossy hardcover notebook, with perfectly creased pages, the entries logged inside not any lesser, but just neater, and more organized. Every sentence was carefully thought out and structured, full stops and commars where they should be. You can almost visualize the writer biting on her pen, pondering hard before merticulously penning down the next sentence.

No, this blog does not contain those heartfelt words that gushes out of your mind and onto paper, the thoughts went through a filter and processing, before turning into indelible ink.

And now, the once gleaming notebook will be covered by a layer of dust, left in negligence by her owner. Left in a corner of the room, untouched.

For now, the owner would just like to blow off the dust, settle the book on her lap, snuggle into a comfortable position and flip through the past. Its not really time for a new entry, she feels. At the moment, all she feels like doing is to turn those pages and recollect those memories that are not completely forgotten, but merely fading into the background.

In her book, there's always time for nostalgia.

Because you have no clue how much you people mean to me

One of those

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
And there you have it.
----------------------------------
How am I feeling today? Wild Thing - Van Halen (Not particularly, actually. I feel frumpy)

Will I get far in life? Gifts And Curses - Yellowcard

How do my friends see me? My Paper Heart - All American Rejects ( Am I really? )

Where will I get married? Landing In London - 3 Doors Down ( WELL WELL WELL. )

What is my best friend's theme song? I Think We're Alone Now - The Click 5 ( Well, we DO have very little time to get together...)

What is the story of my life? Gimme That (Los Rompe Discotekas) - Chris Brown Feat hector El father

What is/was high school like? Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of the Year - Fallour Boy ( Now this is getting a bit eerie. The itunes seems to be answering the question. And i guess its really either one or the other. Thankfully, its not the former. )

How can I get ahead in life? Poster Girl - Backstreet Boys

What is the best thing about me? Lala - Ashlee Simpson ( I certainly hope the answer does not refer to the lyrics of this song.)

What is today going to be like? Because Of You - kelly Clarkson

What is in store for this weekend? Our Lives - The Calling ( Well, that was very helpful.)

What song describes my parent(s)? Life Of A Salesman - Yellowcard (Thats sad.)

To describe my grandparents? Its Like that - Mariah Carey Feat JD. & Fatman Scoop

How is my life going? Get Up - Ciara Feat Chamillionaire ( I'm not THAT lazy..)

How does the world see me? Right Where You Want Me - Jesse Mccartney (Laughs.)

Will I have a happy life? Somewhere only we know - Keane

What do my friends really think of me? I promise - Stacie Orrico ( eh? )

Do people secretly lust after me? Crazy - Simple Plan ( Well THAT certainly lifted my ego heaps. )

How can I make myself happy? Obviously - Mcfly

What should I do with my life? Mixtape - Butch Walker

Will I ever have children? Whenever, Wherever - Shakira ( You know that really DOESNT SOUND GOOD. o_0 )

I had fun, laughing at some of the most ridiculous answers, and some almost creepily true answers. Try it. (:

Self-Penned

The relentless wind whipped her skirt around her bony knees, the bitter cold biting into her bones. Almost oblivious, she tottered over the sharp rocks into the sand. Clutching a handful of green M&Ms candies in one fist, her eyes seeking for a silhoutte in the distance. She saw none. She craned her neck, as best as she could, ignoring the stings the sand made in her eyes, searching, seeking, for him, his promised presence.

She was still alone on the lonely stretch of beach.

The waves crashed against the shore, the water crashing against the rocky cliffs. Crashing and breaking, just like the hope in her heart.

He said he would be here. He promised her a better future when he come for her. He vowed to bring her to England, where he spoke of sunshine, lemonade stores and a proper home with a pink room for herself. He told her about the friends she will have, the dresses she will look so pretty in, the dolls that will accompany her through her nightmares.

He lied.

The M&Ms melted in her clenched fist. She flung the candies away, into the roaring waves. She wiped away the tears on her face, not realising the green smears she's leaving on her cheeks. Or not caring.

She turned and walked away slowly. The broken spirit of a little girl, the sparkle gone from her eyes, the bounce lost in her steps. A mess of green smears and salty tears, the torn tunic hanging loosely on her thin frame.

Her isolation almost palphable.

Its The Mother Swing.

Just one of those little somethings you come across when you're bored and random on the internet. I decided to share.

Things My Mother Taught Me
.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Airing my dirty linens.

I realised I've forgotten that tale-dujour is public and my dirty linens are for the world to see, which is not necessarily a good thing because some people which I cannot stomach actually frequents my blog and will be able to read into my personal life. Of course not much of it is truly personal, it was only the previous entry which gave you a glimpse of my emotions, which is not something i'm truly comfortable with. After all, a girl has to retain some of her mystery. (:

But sooner or later, when I realise I need to expose more of me into tale-dujour, I might have to set a password lock in place. But the mere thought of doing that and informing the necessary people of the password just wears me out. So its really down to either no more personal posts, or more but less readership. And right now, I realised I don't care much of how many people actually reads this thing. It has become more of a tissue/punching bag/diary for me recently. And judging from the way things are going, if I dont vent, I doubt I would be able to retain any sense of sanity.

And really, there are just SOME despicable people whom I have zero tolerance for. And it makes me want to hurl knowing that THEY were able to look into the more vulnerable side of me. The mere thought was thoroughly sickening. Urghs. Lys, you should know to whom I'm referring to. Imagine that obnoxious demeanour and bloody insolent smile. The very epitome of annoying, the very definition of "qian-bian"(smack-worthy). And i shall not elaborate more, because you-know-who might be reading this at this very moment. (:

So people, look out for screen lock anytime soon. If I like you, you will get the password. Toodles for now, darling.

To YOU

Pre-script: Maybe I should insert a tagbox, because I know for a fact that many of you sneaky wrenches do actually frequent this place, but it seems excruciatingly hard for you to make me feel loved, or you can't find it.
So for the people who genuinely can't find it, click on the "stark" at the bottom of every entry and stop making excuses.
And for those lazy incurables; once in a while, it wont hurt.


rant rant rant.
I need to let it out, before it eats me up inside.

Your words tore me up, not a quick rip, but a slow shedding, bit by angonizing bit. I'm beyond hurt. I'm beyond fury. I'm beyond indignation. I'm really really disappointed. So very disappointed.

"Nobody is gonna care whether you're there or not."
You think WE don't care? You think it gives us joy to see you suffering? Is that what you really think? Yes, you see us laughing, having fun. So you think it doesnt matter whether you're there or not. But did you EVER see us, talking, so so frustrated, so HURT, always pondering, why are you ignoring us? JUST US. Its ALWAYS us. Not Flora, not Eileen. What have we done to deserve your cold-shoulder? Did you ever think how much that hurt us? Did we do something so terrible? You didnt see this side, cuz you're never there. We saved you a seat in Math, like we ALWAYS do. Yet you chose to sit some place else. You didn't wait for us aftr lessons, always going off first. Tell me, put yourself in our shoes, what would you have done? And the WORST thing is, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT TRIGGERED THIS INCIDENT.

Do you KNOW how helpless I felt? I kept thinking and thinking, did I do something wrong? Did I NOT do something? Do you know that feeling of utter helplessness, when you so BADLY wanted to rectify the situation to get things back to the way they were and not beeing able to do it because I have no bloody clue on WHAT made you so angry with us in the first place. And YOU didnt want to enlighten us either, all you kept saying was, you shouldnt bother, it doesnt matter now, its nothing. FUCK IT, it cant be nothing. STOP saying its NOTHING. WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE TO SAY SOMETHING IS NOTHING AND JUST MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE?

And you tell us we shouldnt bother? And why in God's name shouldnt we bother? We were SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, you have no idea how much you guys mean to me. And here you are, telling me I shouldnt bother. I wanted to help so badly, but no, I neednt bother. WHY WHY WHY? Friends are supposed to HELP each other, be open, be honest.

WHATS WITH ALL THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS, LIES AND HALF-TRUTHS?

Why can't we go back to normal? WHY DAMMIT. I miss those times when we hung out together at cafe galilee, pizza ht or wherever. Laughing at other people, laughing at ourselves. Having such a damned good time. I miss those times we confide in each other, and the MSN conversations. The FOUR of us. So tightly knitted. BUT WHY IS EVERYTHING FALLING APART NOW?

I tried talking to you on Monday, I got snubbed twice, three times. It bruised my ego, and hurt my pride. But because you're worth it, I didnt care. And I thought everything was alright, i was so happy when you joined us for lunch, and us saying that we will be coming back to Cavana every day of the week. Wednesday was great, you crapped with me throughout Math tutorial, singing children songs and disney melodies.

Then on thursday, it all snapped.

We lost the match, I was in a shitty mood. And I realised, you started ignoring us again. How many blows do you think I can take? How many blows are you going to deal me? We didnt ignore you, we saved you a seat. You didnt take it. You went off without waiting for us. What are we suppposed to do, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME. You snubbed me on Monday when I tried mending ties, do you think I have enough ego to take it again?

Once bitten, twice shy.

Regardless, we tried again on Friday. Oh god, can't you SEE? How many many times have we approach you FIRST? How many times have we made the first move? Do you think if you were somebody insignifcant or not of importance to me, I would suffer so many beatings to my pride? Get this straight, I guard my pride obsessively. Nobody messes with it. THIS alone should tell you your worth. Did you get it, my dear dear friend?

It all seemed better, and I went home with a lighter heart. I thought maybe everything can go back to normal now. It might take some time, yes but I was willing to wait it out. Wait for things to thaw between you and A. It will, that I was certain, it just needed some time for both parties.

But when I got home, L told me about what you said and it shattered everything in me.

WHY DAMMIT WHY.

Why cant things go back to normal? IF there's a will, there's a way. Time heals all wounds. I long for the past. Why cant we? I put in so much, and yet here you are, telling me things can never be the same again. DID YOU EVEN FUCKING TRY?

Everything's falling apart now. I have no idea what's the next step, because I have done everything I could, and yet you shot down all hopes with YOUR convictions. You shot down my efforts and wasted my emotions. But did you even TRY?

"I dislike school now, because the only reason why I enjoy attending school is gone."
You can enjoy school again and you know it. It all lies within you now, because God knows I've tried my best. And I'm sorry, but I'm on the edge of breaking down already. I wish I can be stronger and just plough on, and just keep on trying, but I dont think I can withstand it, if with my every try, comes a blow from you. I'm only hanging by a thread now, and it might just snap any moment.

I'm sorry if this entry has offended you in any way, or you misunderstood some of my points. But the truth is, I'm too tired to care. I just hope you get this the right way, and that I care. So much that it hurts. And I still do. I hope this wakes you up in someway or clear your misgivings about us. Because you have no idea how much I want things to be back to the way before. And if you do, you know what to do.

The ball's in your court now.

P.S I'm sorry if anyone of you got bored of this emo shit. But this is important to me and this entry is really just for him.

Self-penned

Their taunts did cut deep
and their indifference seeps
through the armour she had against
thougtless blurts that evoke pains

She wanted to be a tad more strong
no longer so vulnerable among
the lies that spin this tainted earth
so sparse in laughter and guiless mirth

So now the jaded eyes set in
the demeanour and practised preen
a roll of the eyes and flick of the hair
got all the guys swooping over there

She was now the head queen bee
she should be savouring happily
this intoxicating sensation
of utter undisputed dominance

But when the party is over and the door is closed
when she hangs up her smile and her soles
an inexplicable sadness will take over
and she always wondered what was she doing here


Its been a long time since I did poems too. Be nice.

Another one

Favourites
Colour: Lime green, fire-engine red, and pastel yellow.
Food: Anything with cheese or chocolate.
Song: A range, excluding techno and heavy metal.
Day of the week: Fridays, naturally.

Current
Mood: Listless
Taste: Watermelons and peppermints.
Clothes: Shorts and a ratty oversized tee.
Desktop: 0623A
Toenail: Whatever the natural colour is supposed to be.
Surroundings: Peaceful. The sound of piano from the speakers and the steady rhythm of the rain against my window. Made me feel better too.
Thoughts: Bed looks tempting.

First
Bestfriend: Karen
Crush: My primary 4 teacher. He teaches P.E and had a sense of humour. All the girls were infatuated by him and he knows it too.
Lie: Can't remember. But it was something regarding my mother's birthday gift and consipracy with dad.
Music: Disney.

Last
Cigarrette: Never smoked.
Drink: You mean alcoholic or non-alcoholic? Alcoholic : White wine Non-alcoholic : Water
Car ride: I forgot when, but it was a cab.
Crush: Captain Jack Sparrow
Phone call: This morning, to Flora.
CD played: A long time ago. I think it was Yellowcard.

Have u ever
Dated your bestfriend: Yes
Broken the law: Yes
Been arrested: No
Skinny-dipped: No
Have u been on TV: Yes, to my embarassment.
Kissed someone you don't know: No.

5 things i am wearing: Shorts, shirt, glasses, hairband, socks(cold).
4 things i have done today: Went to school. Won a match. Hurt my knee. Ate a banana.
3 things i can hear rite now: The rain, piano and the tapping of keys.
1 thing i did when i am bored : Sing.

5 people to tag
Carolyn.
Eileen.
Diana.
Khairyn.
WeiMing

Because of people like you.

I like licking melting icecream cones while strolling along busy streets with them. When the stars are in the sky and the crickets starts chirping, when we are supposed to be home completing assignments, and the amber roadlights bringing out the prohibited highlights in our hair. The feeling isn't exhiliration, nor is it laughing hysteria. Its just a fat lazy contented sensation you feel, a warmth in your heart and tummy.

Teetering at serenity but not quite.

A feeling of,
Everything's alright for now. As long as they are around me, I'm happy.

Its really assuaging for the peace of mind.


And now the venting.

YOU. You always struck me as an overtly shy and introverted girl. I never thought you were capable of such despicable selfishness. In case you did not noticed, the title is project work. Its something you do TOGETHER with group members, and accepting responsibility for your actions. Losing the file IS a big deal, no matter how you see it. The sweat and blood of your group mates are all accumulated in that. Their GRADES depended on that. So its really not a matter of simply over-reacting, or pettiness. They have every right to be mad, and you ought to find yourself lucky they didnt blow up. The least you could do is to search high and low for it, and NOT say, I'll look for it later, like its something insignificant and not worth your attention.

HELLO, wake up, the coffee's burning.

And you know what ticks me off the most? The fact that you didnt even apologize. Honey, you LOST the goddamned file, it wasn't stolen, and even it was, it still doesnt justify the absence of an apology. Is sorry the hardest word for you? Oh wait, every syllabus of the english language is excruciating for you isnt it? You let down your teammates and you watsed all the effort they put in. If that does not require an apology, than apologies should only be reserved for murderers to amend their sins. Get over your big fat ego, before you trip over yourself.

And your attitude towards Selene is really childish. She is right and you know it. You really should be hanging your head in shame, breaking your own rules. What, going around calling people petty because YOU lost the file and they (rightfully) panicked, when you stop speaking to selene just because she did not stood up for you? Talk about the proverbial pot. Get over yourself already, jackass. You know you deserve it.

Bahh. Some people are totally incorrigible.
I am so blessed to have terrific members.
Thank God for small favours.

Lucky Sevens

Since I was tagged by quite a few to do this, I shall.

7 Random Things About Myself.
1. I am very, very forgetful. I lost my wallet about 5 times and counting. I once left my Harry Potter and The Order Of the Phoenix in the theatre. Need I say more?
2. I love spontaniety, spur-of-the-moment decisions. They make life a little less routine.
3. I never fail to get constipation whenever I consume bananas. Ask my classmates, they should know.
4. I licked a condom before, on a dare. It tasted of mango and felt like slime, which I assumed is spermicide.
5. I get hysterical after consuming caffeine.
6. My name was a mistake made by the man filling up my birth certificate.
7. My mood changes according to my friends'.


7 Things That Scares Me.
1. Horror flicks. I've never watched a single one, and am not planning to, to my friends' consternation.
2. Losing loved ones.
3. Dark roads and lonely alleys at 11pm.
4. Creepy Crawlies.
5. Eating alone. (I would rather starve.)
6. Gruesome grisly bloody brutal scenes.
7. Nightmares that gets me up and gasping.


7 Random Songs Of The Moment.
1. Anastacia - At The Beginning
2. Augustana - Boston
3. Liz Phair - Why Can't I
4. Samantha Ronson - Built This Way
5. Nelly Furtado - Promiscious
6. Haley James Scott - Halo
7. MLTR - 25 mins ( i'm in a sappy mood )


7 Random Thoughts Of The Moment.
1. Its too bloody hot, what the hell is wrong with the weather.
2. I need a good icy shower.
3. My table looks like a wreck
4. I'm going to fail Econs tomorrow.
5. Lisda is going to get it from me tomorrow. ( I was chatting with her and she was trying to annoy the hell out of me and succeeding.)
6. Should I go swim?
7. God bless the soul of the one who invented air-conditioners.


7 Things That I like.
1. Making friends happy
2. Retail Therapy
3. Holidays
4. Tear-jerking romantic flicks
5. All my dears
6. The feeling of being loaded.
7. Pleasant surprises


7 People To Do This.
1. Carolyn
2. Rhys
3. Eileen
4. Weiming
5. Khairyn
6. Rochester
7. You


The weather is a merciless bitch.

Who says its always about the mother.

She stared at the murky depths of her mother's mug, and wondered why coffee was brown.
Why coudn't it be red, yellow or blue? Pretty colours, in her opinion. But no, it has to an ugly brown, the nondescript brown of sodden leaves and boring grown-up's clothes. Her father used to don a shabby brown coat all the time, she vaguely recalled. But then again, it has been a long time she had last seen her father. She wondered if he knew she had gotten top marks in Arts and Crafts or that her hair is long enough to be manipulated into two pretty braids now, complete with bright pink bows.

Maybe if he knew, he wouldn't leave her and her mom that night, she thought sadly.

She still remembers her father's big bear hugs, the tight warm squeeze that she waited eagerly for every evening when he returns from work. She used to savour every moment in his embrace, the strong solid arms and deep chuckle that issues out of his broad chest as he held her close to him, his familiar scent wafting around both of them, how she pines for the smell of it now, the intriguingly tantalizing mixture of coffee, smoke, rain and cologene. Her father's scent.
The house smells stark now, as she sniff the air, as though hoping that the scent would materialize from her thoughts.

Katty Kat. Her father's pet name for her, her full name is Catherine Elizabeth Fuller, she had always primly reminded him. But he would always yank on her curls gently and tease, "but you're my Katty Kat. And you always will be."

Well, is she still his Katty Kat now? She wonders. She wonders about many things regarding her dad. She wonders if he still buys Kit-Kats whenever he walk past the old newsstand around the corner, they used to do that all the time when they go on their weekly strolls, one of her favourite things to do. She walks alone now, tottering along the broken sidewalks, avoiding the sharp curbs like how her father used to remind her, but she never bought a Kit-Kat by herself. It doesn't feel right, to buy a Kit-Kat without her father. Her mother bought her some from the grocery store once, but they never tasted as good. She told her mom that, and it made her mother broke down and cry. She never dared mention it again.

It was raining heavily outside. She glanced through the kitchen window, the rain was slashing against the panes and making an awful din, but she didn't mind. She wasn't allowed to scream, shout or throw tantrums, so she always pretended that God was helping her to vent by unleashing the torrent of rain whenever she was angry. And she always felt better after it.
Well, almost always, she amended.

The days following her father's leave was filled with anger and tears. Her mother was always breaking down and swilling out of the many glass bottles in the cabinet that she was not allowed to touch. Her mood swung from heartwrenching sadness to roaring fury very quickly. She was frightened, and did not dare incur her mother's wrath by crying or screaming. She often wish for the angry rain, so at least she knew that God was watching and helping. It came a couple of times, and she felt comforted, as though the rain made His prescence almost palphable. But sometimes, her tears wouldn't listen and coursed down her cheeks. After that, she would scrub herself with the wash towel so hard that she was raw-pink all over, so her mother wouldn't suspect that she has been crying and beat her again. Her mother's slaps hurt really badly.

Why did her father leave? Oh! How many times she had asked herself that question. Was it because she did not do her dishes after dinner that night? Or was it because she did not get a star on her math test? If he would only return, she will gladly do the dishes every night and get a star, no TWO stars on every test. But he did not. And deep inside her, she has a funny feeling she will never see him again, but she always try to ignore it, because thinking of it makes her tears come.

Her mother shouted, snapping her out of her reverie. She hopped off the stool and went to her, but not before taking one last look out the window, at the pouring rain, hoping her friend upstairs could her her make this pain in her heart go away.

A story. It has been too long since I last attempted to do one. This will seem very unpolished and dowdy. I'm sorry, but the vocabulary has rusted and the creative juices ran dry. I will need some time and practice to kick start the engine again. Hope it isn't too much of an eyesore for you readers.

You have my love.

I added another candle to the cake yesterday, turning a relatively insignificant seventeen. (Sweet sixteen sounds better and eighteen seems wilder, seventeen is kinda nondescript, somehwhere in between but not there yet. )

But the birthday was fabulous, and its time for me to park my ass on this bitch of a library's chair and give thanks.

Thank You (:

Thanks to Eils, Rui, Swu, KL, Cin, Joyce for the... should i say, mischievous gift. But it is very pretty and I will wear it nontheless. The cheeky fuschia of the garment is gorgeous, and as you know, which girl wouldn't adore pretty lingeries? And yes, I got the message you rascals were trying to tell with that card. Who wouldnt? The word SEX was certainly bold enough. You girls never failed to put a smile on my face, anytime and anyday. I look forward to two more years of sunshine and laughters with you loves around. Thank you for your gifts, and for just remembering. It means more than you will ever know. Hugs&Kisses.

Thanks to Jas, Ren, Ru, Vonnie & Joys for the lovely birthday treat. The food was delicious, but it was your company that made it so wonderful. Jas my dear, i'm really touched to know you came despite the high fever you were nursing, it means the world to me. And though you lied to me initially, but you made it up by coming and surprising me with the cake. Your frienship is priceless. Ru, you searched high and low for something suitable and yes, you got it! Thank you so so much for the gift voucher, how did you know I was pining for something from NewUrbanMale? You guys just know me best, I love the gift. And my love to Jieying, Xinying, Denise, Yvonne, Joyce who contributed to the present. Vonne and Joys, your company was awesome just as it is. REN, my long time buddy, we "supposedly" should've known each other since kindergarden, seeing how we are going to be in the same school for 14 years. Your gift was the icing on the cake, thanks for spending so so so much time and effort on the collage of memories. It must have taken you days and days to finish it. I'm going to frame it and hang it up in my room, proof of our solid friendship. (: It was fabulous catching up with you girls again, the long long chat we had that night was great. It feels so good to be talking to you people again. The words couldnt gush out fast enough and everybody was snatching an opening to yak. I miss that. Promise we will catch up soon. You know you girls are loved by me. (:

Thanks to BestFriend, for almost ruining my birthday intentionally by not calling or contacting me at all until sunday, where you surprised me at the family lunch at Sizzler's. Turns out you've been in cahoots with my mother, planning and plotting to get me. Laughs. Well, I couldnt blame you much can I? When you've made my birthday this year so very special again, ala last year's. It was the BEST, catching up with you after my family left, where we yakked at NYDC till the sun set. We wasted so much at NYDC, didnt we? All that ice cream and all that cake. Well, it was expected, we ordered so much for only two people. I reckoned the waitress wasn't very pleased. But my birthday ended perfectly, with you spending it with me. (: All my love, bestie. You know you're cherished.

Thanks to the four lovable idiots! The four I love the most; Lys, Adri, Ming and Flo. You know you darlings meant the world to me. And your video for me almost made me cry, ( the reason why I didnt is because it would look kind of dumb to shed tears in front of Mr.Bryan ) but whatthehey, you loves almost succeeded in getting me to cry lah. Happy now? Give yourself a pat on the back than. You know you people are why I come to school for. Hanging out with you is always a blast and never boring, the laughter and joy you brought me are infinite. I look forward to graduating together and going NUS together. Thank you so much for the sandals, I didnt know you guys took note than I wanted it! And here I am, a clueless moron, saving up moolahs to buy it together with Ming. Laughs, guess you're on your own, my dear. You people are seriously the SWEETEST and the video is so awesome! Lys my love, it means alot to me that you spent the time and effort to put it together. HUGS. The video is something I will keep forever and watch it when I'm feeling unloved, to remind me what a lucky bitch I am to have you dears in my life. Thank you for your friendship and your love. You know you're treasured beyond words. xoxos.

And a big heartfelt thank you to the people who remembered, and texted/called me in the dead of the night to wish me. I'm touched you guys remembered, as we might be not playing a part in each other lives now, but always know you affected mine in your own special way.



Its another fabulous, marvellous and memorable birthday this year. My 17th would never have been the same without you dears around. Thank you for making it special, forever etched in a corner of my mind and tucked precious in the heart. I love all of you so. (:

XOXOS<33

The Team.

Do you remember the CCA open house in year 2002? The sunny, noisy affair. The cacaphony of sounds; trumpets blaring from the school's band, the smart clipclops issuing from non-smiling NPCC/NCC-ians, the obnoxiously friendly hollars from a diversity of CCAs, urging you to put your name down on that black clipboard that they were brandishing about, telling you how red cross/choir/girl guides/dance/shaving your head (no i was just kididng)/volleyball can thoroughly benefit your life and turn you a better person.

How about;
The thud of a ball on cement, the swoosh through the net, the shrill chirps of the whistle?
Do you recall?

I do. (:
I still remember the number tag they made me wore around the waist to tell us freshies apart. I was labelled number six.

We met as strangers, and ended up as a tightly knitted team, ready for anything, anyone.It was awkward the first few months, with weak passes and shots that never goes in. Infuriating cross drills always gets on our nerves, that coupled with the blazing heat and a water break that never comes. It was trying.

The passes got better. The shots went in. We shared laughters, so much of that we had. We laughed at Karen, with her clowning around. We laughed at Xinying, her landing, her splits. We laughed at Rahila, her spectacular falls. We laughed at the poor bitch that gets the bucket full of iced water at the end of the training. Oh how we laughed.

We shed tears. We cried when we missed a shot at creating history for USS when we lost to RVH at the Quarter-Finals. So close, yet so far. We cried, when we almost lost Xinying after a match. Thank God for CPR and those inexplicable miracles. Fortunately, there wasnt much for us to shed tears about.

We triumped. We triumped against countless schools, countless teams. We triumped at the year-end carnival, 4th. The trophy is still basking in its pride at the top of my shelf. We triumped against MrLee. Against Zoey. Hey we lasted longer, didn't we? (;We triumped against that sun, against the cramps from Zoey's inhhuman crunches, against the sprains, against the scraps gotten from millions of pushups.

And we won, first, for four consecutive years for the annual Inter-CCA relay.
Unbeaten, unbroken. ( TRACK couldn't hold a candle to our girls. )



USS netballers Cgirls2002-2003.
We may not have the medals, but we sure as hell got the spirit.
My love for you girls, always & forever.

Lynnie tagged me.

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

#1. I cannot take caffeine. It makes me bounce off the walls and drive everyone else up it. One slim can of Nescafe latte is enough to get me giggling and jumping.

#2. I drink, no I chug, water like I'm suffering from dehydration every waking moment.

#3. I sing, loudly and off key, in the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room, whenever I'm stressed.

#4. Bananas makes me constipate ALOT. And the thing is, I ADORE bananas. What a predicament. It does good to my bowel movements.

#5. I have never watched a single horror flick in my life, and I'm not intending to.

#6. When its pouring buckets, thunders cracking and the winds are howling outside, I love to tuck the mattress just beside my full length window, sunggle up in my quilt, holding a cup of steaming something, watch and laugh at those poor things struggling against the weather outside. I derive great pleasure from this form of people-watching, heavens knows why.


And now, y'all know all my dirty deeps and are probably howling with laughter right now; Rhys, Adri, Shan, Eils and LeRaine shall have the pleasure. Y'all are officially tagged. (:

Incoherence

I realised,

The JC syllabus is doing horrors to my vocabulary.
It does not encourage creative writing, nor does it requires descriptives/narratives. And heavens know I never fail to butcher my argumentative essays. So it makes compete sense that argumentatives are the main requisite for many subjects in JCs.

I'm writing in an utterly disinteresting, yawn inducing manner. I wont be suprised if yours truly fall asleep halfway through this. The words all oozed together like those sticky summer heat, lumping to form plain obnoxious and juvenile sentences. Writing used to give me a rush, a satisfaction of weaving together words into something beautiful, something compelling to readers, but all it gives now is a big pain in the ass.

So here I am, slouching in an utterly unfeminine manner, tapping incessantly on the table, trying to think of that brillance, that enlightenment to save this entry from being a disgrace to tale-dujour. And naturally, none came. Like one of those bitch of a bus, it never comes when you're waiting for it, but it always arrives when you're half a mile away or with your bag tangled around your feet and your skirt bunched up your hips.

Good Lord.

If this was a job, I'll be fired on the double.

Oh the games the girls play!

Its scary how the mind of a teenage girl's mind works.

I was strolling down Orchard road's with friends, all of us clad in IJC's finest, when this group of girls from another JC ( I wasn't sure which ) walked past.

You could feel the tension.

Their eyes gave you the standard two seconds, sizing you from your hair to your shoes. A quick flit to your badge than stealing a glance at the brand of your bag, while we return the same favor to them.

In that split moment, they would have analysed you, categorised you and decided whether to view you as competition. If you are, brace yourself for that look of practised disdain. But no actually, don't brace, anticipate. Because that disdain only serves to hide their jealousy.

And after that five seconds when both parties are out of each other's view, we will resume laughing and talking, but all the while subconsiously scanning for other possible targets.

Bitchy, I know. But what else did you expect from us fellow females?
We are bitchy and we are darn proud of it.

This was a mistake

Name twenty people you can think of right now. Don't read the question(s) until you've named the 20 people. At the end of this, choose five people to do this.

1. Carolyn. ( I was chatting w her)
2. Pricilla.
3. Xinying.
4. Benjamin.
5. Justin.
6. Shahril
7. Bahri.
8. Lisda.
9. Khairyn
10. Weiming
11. Kahlai
12. Eileen.
13. Ruishan
14. Flora
15. Swujuan
16. Cindy
17. Jasmin
18. Melissa
19. Yuhan
20. Qiaozhen

How did you meet #14?
She came into our class and brighten my life after the first three months. Before that, I only knew her as that girl from Crescent. Laughs.

What would you do if you didn't meet #1?
I might have retained of what little is left of my sanity.

What if #9 nd #20 dated?
Err. #20 is attached and #9 can never be straighter. Hormosexuality not their cup of tea, I reckon. In fact, funnily enough, both of them are STRONGLY against it.

Would #6 nd #17 make a good couple?
HAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Does that answer your question?

Describe #3.
Be nice and she will be nicer. Be nasty and she tenfold. Double cross her, your life will be a living hell. Once a friend, she is always a friend.

Is #8 attractive?
HELL yeah. You should look at her figure.

Describe #7.
Laughs. He is the very definition of Prince Charming. Bahri is devastatingly good-looking, knows how to play a guitar and sings like an angel. He works out regularly at the gym and has a body drool-worthy. And the thing is, he is exceedingly humble and treats his friends fantastically well.

Do you know any of #12 family members?
Not exactly. But i ve seen her brother and younger sister before.

What would you do if #18 confess to you that she likes you?
HAHA. I will say I KNEW IT ALL ALONG. But than again, she is currently attached and very in love with her beau. So not a chance of that happening.

What language does #15 speak?
Chinese & English. But i will say she speaks the "kahlai" language quite fluently.

Who is #9 going out with?
Just recently, me and lys. (=

How old is #16?
Going to be 17 this month.

When is the last time you spoke to #13?
Yesterday.

Who is #2's favourite band/singer?
She changes perodically. But it really depends on the song she is listening to.

Would you ever date #4?
We went out together several times before, but its purely platonic.

Would you ever date #7?
Buddies dont date. Its a taboo.

Is #15 single?
No. Judging from things, KL is her everything.

What's #10's last name?
Ming. D-U-H.

Would you ever be in a relationship with #11?
I already am. The same way pancakes goes with honey. (;

School of #3?
Sama-sama.

Where does #6 live?
Yew Tee.

What's your fave thing about #5?
His ability to listen whenever I need to rant.

Have you seen #1 naked before?
Thats for me to know and you to find out. (:

5 lucky people to do this :
1. Rhys
2. Carolyn
3. Khairyn
4. Weiming
5. Eileen
And whoever whenever.

I'm too bloody bored.

A moment like this.

It was one of those wretched moments where your fingers are numb from the cold and you curl your sneakers shod, socks wearing toes in defence against the damned airconditioner in the school's library. Yet you can't head out, as the weather outside is a a bitch, those that sticks your uniform uncomfortably to your back and form beads of perspiration on your upper chin and hairline.

Your friends are all in lessons because they were dumb enough to take geography or history. Your buddy isnt here to bitch with you, because he don't take ProjectWork or Chinese. You could feel your brain freezing with every mundane minute that oozed by.

You have two more hours to go before your next lesson, which is going to be a predictably boring fuck. You can't sleep because thhe cold seems to be eating into your bones, you can't study because your frozen fingers cant hold the pen properly and your brain is too hungry to think straight. You cant eat because that means getting out and into that heat.

Ah, 'tis such a wonderful life.





I miss Adri and Lys. )=

Random thought of the moment

"An apple a day keeps a doctor away.
If the doctor is HOT, throw the damned thing away."

Just my luck all the doctors in the vicinity are fat and balding.

Oh cheese and whiskers.

Ode to bestie

They say you re a lucky little bugger if you have at least one true best friend in your entire life.

I never thought I would have one. I used to think they only exist in fluffy love novels and squealing chick flicks.

That someone to tell everything to, from that loathesome girl in your class to the cute boy over at the booth.
Someone to finish that sentence in your head.
Someone to order your food without ever needing to ask you.
Someone who knows you hate mayonnaise and always ordered plain for you.
Someone who knows your favourite chocolates.
Someone who believes in you more than you believe in yourself, but is always there to pull you down to earth.
Someone who waits for you after classes, during breaks and before school without telling each other beforehand.
Someone who you can count on not losing that special bond simply because you cant hang out together due to other different cliques and obligations.
Someone whom you are comfortable enough to not feel a need to talk when there's a laspe in conversation.
Someone who is able to immediately sense your unhappiness when you had managed to convinced the rest of the world otherwise.
Someone where you know the things you have to talk about never ends.
Someone whose hugs are so safe and full of care, it always brightens even your foulest days.

Someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

Here's to you, bestfriend.
I do love you so.


I'm one lucky bitch.

It's not you, it's me.

Editor's Note : Hello dear ones. I will be blogging once again, but instead, I will be updating more on my everyday goingons and emotions rather than waxing poetry and ranting philisophies. Because I ve realized, as sad it is, I ve ran out of the tingle to rant and bellow about life, and surppressed emotions and a desire to write about my youth is growing like jack's beanstalk. I wish to be hollaring at my kids about "Why, when I was your age..." and actually remembered something that happpned when I was in that particular age.
I will understand if you readers lose interest, but I hope you understand. This is a phase for me, and who knows? I might be back to blogging the usual manner someday not very long from now when I feel my life is a boring fuck. And it finally got into my mind that this blog is for ME, so I should just write any damned thing that makes me happy. So Im sorry and I do hope you will continue to visit, even if you just want to make me feel loved but you care nuts about the writings in my site. By all means, act. Of course, there WILL be occasional times where I feel a need to bitch about an issue and I will write. But all in all, my blog has become my journal. And fuckit, I realized my memory is getting worse with each passing day, so I need to to pen events into written memories before I lose everthing in my head.
Thanks once again, and I wish you well.

I sacrificed a sleep-in to attend TheNewpaper annual BigWalk today, which is really rare. Because heavens knows, I love, no, NEED my sleep-in every sunday. Waking up at five too early a.m is unheard of and should be made illegal. So clap for me, please.

The big walk was just like sex in barns ; hot, sweaty and a hell load of a funtime. 10km is NOT a short distance, mind you, and I'm proud to say we made it through without detuoring into SuntecCity or MarinaSquare for food & airconditioning. Okok, so actually we barged our way in the first kilometer, and didnt start at the starting point, because we were so late and the national stadium was too far. And bloody hell, I did not get my goodie bag and balloons, so I swore to my girls that I shall complete the damn walk to get it. So I'm being kiasu, but what do you expect out of another fellow singarrporrrlllleeaan?

We cam whored through the entire walk. It was TEN kilometres. What did you expect us to do? Sing?


So yadda yadda on, we completed the walk and God decided to let it POUR. So we were stuck at this cramped bus stop at hell knows where, with the rain coming down in fucking buckets. Being hungry, aching and sticky, it wasnt the most pleasant feeling to have. But lets move on with life.

We bought tickets for Over The Hedge. So the animals are cute, and I was dying to see bruce willis's macho voice issuing out of this disgustingly adorable little skunk/possum/squirrel character. We flew down to Fish&Co to appease the monsters in the tummies. And I fucking swear, that 10km walk just went to the pits. Feeling fat and contented, we went up.

The movie was typical and disappointing. So when girls sulk, girls eat. Went to TCC, and pigged out again. The guilt was heavy on my back but it wasnt heavy enough to stop me. DAMMIT.

YaddaYadda. Oompa Loompa. The rest of the details werent significant. So I was considering whether to upload my gorgeous face onto the post. But my my bed is looking the very picture of seduction so I am sorry but your eyes will just have to get a treat the next time I decided to be nice.

Yours for the time being,
Tze.

Rubbish looks like this

I'm at loss.

I glanced around for inspiration. Thought hard about what could be interesting. Stare for hours at the infuriating glowing screen.

But I couldnt think of anything to blog about. Im sorry, I have failed you readers. Despite everything else, there IS an unwritten standard and protocol I would have to follow writing tale-dujour.

And it's getting harder and harder to write.

My mind feels blank. They call it the writer's block. And its an utterly despressing feeling. Right now, it feels more like the writer's 1000foot tall barricade.

Im labouriously pecking out each and every letter right now. This is a trying task.


Im in need of a brief hiatus. The noose on my neck is getting too tight.

Im sorry. But when the intangible finally comes to me, I shall write again. Do frequent here.

tale-dujour is far from over.

The 411.

You force yourself up at 5.35am after the shrill ringing of your alarm snatches you rudely from the warm cradles of your slumber. You know you can't hit the snooze button, tempted you might be, but no, you can't. Because five minutes will turn to ten and eventually you will be standing along side the other late comers outside the gate, hearing the anthem and looking like a fool, while earning yet another detention for yourself.

Blearily you stumbled to the bathroom, flinching as the harsh bright light assaulted your sleep tender eyes. You went through the morning routines without as much as a coherent thought, and stepped inside the shower, allowing the icy water to slap your mind awake.

The bus rumbled on, as you propped your arm against the window still, earphones plugged deep into your ears, ignoring other sleepy students and chatty primary school kids , staring at the world with heavy eyelids as your shower this morning begin to wear off.

You're not a morning person.

Morning assembly.You mechanically mouth the words to the song you have been singing for the past ten years, all the while cursing the humidity that causes your uniform to stick uncomfortably to your back.

Sweat trickled down into your cleavage. Goddammit.

And so the day unfolds. Lectures after tutorials, as you snooze in the theatres and daze int the classrooms. Words ran pass you without comprehension, numbers flew by in a blur. Equations, concepts and formulas swirled in front your eyes, like dizzy spots, but never into your mind. You feel oddly detached, and the only thing you felt was a spurt of panic when a test on chapters you dont understand was announced to be taking place not many days from now. You promise yourself to ask and enquire, but deep down, you know you will never work up the discipline to.

Hours and seconds ticked by, oozing down to 340pm ever so slowly. You feel frustrated, you scream inwardly.

Why is it taking so @#$%ing long?

The bell sings it final melodious tune, you feel a loosening around your heart, you are released. Relief burst like a bubble, enveloping you. You just want to savour the moment, to breathe in that carefree elixir of freedom. You know it wouldnt last, that made it all the more precious.

That moment passed. You open your eyes and face the bitch of reality. Homework piled upon heaps, project deadlines looming ahead, NAPFA test next week, summer test just around the corner.

You sighed, but a smile soon took over. You and your friends are going out now, you are going to just enjoy the moment, and not think of anything else. Procrastinate, you are the master. Next morning is going to be a bigger pain in the ass, with nothing completed and one more day wasted. But you dont care. Live it up now and think about consequences later, its always been like for you. You briefly wondered how are you going to get promoted next year, but dismiss that thought quickly because you didnt want to ruin your mood now.

"I will think about it tonight."

And as the day draws to an end, you snuggled into your bed, exhaustion pressing on your bones. The feeling almost palphable.

"Think about what?"

You thought as you slip into a blissful nothingness, knowing that that bitch alarm is not going to let you rest for long.

And the day starts over again as you regain consiousness six hours later. It going to go on like this for two more years.

Sighs.

You're tired, really tired.

Honey, does my penis look small in this jeans?

Headline in today's The Strait Times :
"JC Student Kills Himself, Convinced His Private Parts Were Too Small."

Now I could think of a millions reasons why I might jump off the roof of a building.

1. My parents decided to film a sex video and post it up on the internet.
2. I walked around in pink and called myself kimiko or xiaojenny.
3. My brother flashed himself at a guy I might have taken a fancy in.
4. I have AIDs. ( I mean really, I dont see the point in living to the fullest when you have to be deathly afraid of catching a common cold. )
5. Singapore decided that its time we go into war with some random country.
6. Some random country decided its time to go into war with us.
7. The day I start to listen to techno.
8. Cannibalism becomes a trend.
9. The school decided we should all wear plaid pinafores with knee lenght socks.
10. When I get to go to heaven if i jump off the roof a building.

But no, this guy, who was studying at a top junior college, a member of the school volleyball team, who was doing well enough to take special papers, has a loving family and girlfriend decided to take his own life because he thinks his damned penis is too damned small for his ego. AFTER the doctor had verified that his sexual organ is indeed normal sized, alive and kicking.

Some people really deserve a good shaking, even after their deaths.



Afterthought.
Maybe his volleyball shorts were too tight around the balls... those volleyball tights are really ridiculously tight anyway... hmmmm...

Is that a silent T or not?

When I had pigtails and ribbons in my hair, I was envious of girls who have long fancy names. I used to think they sound really pretty. Girls with names like Jennifer, Stephanie, Angeline, Elizabeth, Samantha etc. I used to give myself a new name everyday. On mondays I will be Veronica. Tuesdays Madeline. Wednesdays I fancy Belinda and it goes on and on. My parents look on with amusement whenever I sign my art pieces with every other name but my own.

I was adamant about the names, and choosy to a fault. Any names without at least three syllabus was looked down upon. They HAVE to be fancy shmancy, frilly schilly.

When I entered primary school, the nightmare with my real name begin.

"Err...Z-Zhi Ming is that it?"
"How do you pronounce this?"
"Ze Min?"
"Err, I cant read this. Something Min?"

I used to cringe and cower in my seat whenever my name was called. It seems nobody could get it right. I made a vow on that very day in the first week of primary one, my kids will never have to suffer through the same ordeal. I will give them beautiful names, princessy names. Maybe I will even give them two names. Something like, Elizabeth Karen Lee. And if its a male, I will let my husband do the honours, my childish mind firmly decided.

However, when I was in the midst of secondary school, my preference for names swung back and forth. Like most trends, my fancy couldnt hold for long. One moment I wanted edgy names, names no one could pronounced, names no one would have. ( It was that period where EVERONE wanted to have something nobody had.) Names like Schyler, Xaveira, Desiree. And at another I wanted names with double Ls. Names like Danielle, Joelle, Gazelle. There was time where I wanted boys names too. Names like Alex, Randy, Sam.

I used to whine to my mother, why couldnt you have given me an english name? why oh why? She always said, "Because I want you to choose one for yourself when you are older. I dont want you to be stuck with a name you dislike forever."
At that point of time, I didnt understand what she meant and always sulked and muttered, "I would have liked it if it was english."
She always smiled gently and said, "You will understand when you are older."

How I loathed that sentence! It seemed to me like, for every question they could not come up with a plausible enough reason, they will whip out this sentence as an arsenal. And I will lose, because how could I come up with a good enough retort for that?

But now that I'm reasonably older, I begun to see the light.

With each growing phase, our mindset changes. When I was young I wanted big fancy Tiffanies or Jennifers, but when I was an angsty age of fourteen, I couldnt bear the thought of having such a frilly, pink sounding name. And at sixteen, I shudder at the Xavies, Desirees which I thought was cool two years ago. New friends come and old ones go, and with each new environment and influence, my thinking evolved too. Now that Im seventeen, I couldnt really care less about names, and silently thanked my mother each time the teacher called on another student to answer the questions just because he couldnt pronounce mine. Who knows? Maybe when Im eighteen, I might just call myself Adrianna.

But Rhys does sound pretty cool though. (:

On my first day in a JC, my new teacher told the class to inform her if we preferred to be called something beside your proper name. A few in my class gave her english names, and we have been calling them that ever since. She asked me whether I had one and maybe I should get one because my name is a mouthful, I smiled and said,


"No thanks, Miss. Tze will be fine, just fine."

Pass the pills, dear.

W turns 18 this staurday.

When all is done and the dust has settled, you take a pull of breath and think, "18 is a rather large number, isnt it?" Not long after 18 you will hit the coveted 2. But if you come to think about it, when all is said and done, 10 years is not a very long time. So 30 and its laugh lines comes skipping merrily along and before you know it, the big dreaded four oh is pressing upon you with its wrinkles and sagging assets. Voila, you are married, your figure turns convex in the middle instead of concave, you struggle with grass-munching toddlers and sullen teenagers, your husband is balding and has a belly the size of the gym ball you bought for pilates classes which you never have the time or energy to attend.


Life whips you around pretty fast.


One moment you are young and seventeen, your figure is blooming regardless of the amount of junk food you consume, and the biggest problem in your life is whether you are going to fail your A levels or if that pimple on your face is ever going to go away.
And another you are getting old and everything is going south and age-spotted, you eat salad and oatmeal not in an attempt to save your increasing dress size, but to prevent yourself from getting heart attacks and kidney failures. And the biggest problem in your life is, hang on, what biggest problem? All the problems I have are kinda crucial. Like losing my job to a wide eye freshie with a the same degree but with the looks of a beauty paegant finalist, losing my husband to a twenty dollars hooker simply because she looks good in fishnet stockings, losing my daughter because she's experimenting with marijuana and motorcycles, losing my house beacuse the mortgage is one big fuck.


Whoop-dee-doo.


Pretty soon, I will be 70, all aching backs and creaking bones. Living my life away watching reruns on television and eating multi-coloured pills to keep me alive while ironically, waiting for my death.


After hitting 30, its like the famous quote, "Its all downhill from here."


Lovely.
Enjoy 18, W, while you still can.

So There.

It's 4.17 pm Sunday.
It's hot, airless, humid and stifling.

I'm feeling fat, frumpy, sick, lazy, ugly, boring, guilty, negative, broke, heavy, grouchy, unloved, lonely, friendless and unmotivated.

And to top it off, school starts tomorrow.

Boo.

Sometimes,

It gets too gruelling to reach in the swirling depths of my mind and simply pull out an emotion or thought and exhibit in words and poetries.

There are days when I step home in a haze of incensed fury, raised agitated fingers above the keyboard and just froze. The smorgasbord of unjustified indiagnations and petty frustrations pounded their fists on the locked door of my weary mind, wanting out. They crave to be liberated and eloquently expressed, they want the public to acknowledge their sufferings and demanded both their empathy and sympathy.

More often than not, all I wanted to do is to plunge into the recesses of my churning fury, and allow the rawest of emotions and thoughts to gush out without being filtered, restructured and moulded into a form which you readers have been reading for the past many months.

Just like this;
" I had a fucking bad day in school. Im so pissed right now. Everything that could go wrong did. Why is this world so fucking unfair? Fuck. Everything is so screwed, Im screwed and screw everybody else too. Every fucking thing is against me. And Im down with a fucking flu. My hair's all messy and my uniform looks like shit. The weather is fucking me up and so are the lectures. Fuck FuCK FUCK. Today suck big fat gooseballs. "


But with the principles to uphold and the standard to maintain, I couldnt allow myself to.
Heaves big sigh.

Sometimes I wish I have a twitsy blog and just write about my day like every "miik00" or "xiia0jenn". But these are just moments of my fleeting mental stability. A few weeks or maybe even days, I will look back at this sentance and probably laugh. But for now, I shall just indulge in the thought.


Till the next time, I'm incoherently yours.

Because I Couldnt Think OF Anything Else.

And the mother lode of them all,





Some people seem to have an extraodinarily large amount of free time on their restless hands and over-creative minds.

Mr.Blake sums it up for me.

I was angry with my friend,
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe,
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew it was mine .

And into my garden he stole,
When the night had veiled the pole.
In the morning, glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

HoHumm

I say,
Never take life too seriously.

You'll never come out of it alive anyway.
:D

I think I will go try cotton candy pink on a whim!

As Quoted.

"Money can't buy happiness."
Gertrude Stein.

"Hogwash."
Tze.

Lookalike

According to this, my face bore a distinct similarity to the following ;

To begin, a bond girl.

than an old man,

Boa. (HAHA. Yeah. Right.Really)

This guy. ( Supposedly a poet)
To end, ANOTHER bond girl.



Fascinating. And quite depressing.
I shall never trust the internet ever again.


P.S It also states that I look like RichardHarris aka Professor Dumbledore.
But I forgot to post that up. And its too much of a hassle to do it again.


Wingardium leviosaaaaa!!!

Late Night Head Rush.

The visage of jesters,
The hauteuer of felines.
The slumber of reptiles,
The sultry of summer.

All in a shot of brandy.

Makeover

I toyed with the idea of changing my blog into wordpress, but it wasnt user-friendly enough for me. My knowledge of IT is pathetically low, sad to say.

I reverted back to the given template. Those fancy schmancy skins weren't for me anyway. They didnt portray what I wanted to say in the way I wanted it to say. ( Got you in a twist for that last sentence, didnt I? HOHO. )

Inspiration is so hard to find these days. There's sparse topics for me to drone about when i'm in a relatively mellow mood. Lardeedummdumm...

Should I start a story?

Let me know. (:

Let's keep it friendly.

"As We Go On, We Remember
All The Time We Have Together
And As Our Lives Change,
Come Whatever,
We Will Still Be,
Friends Forever. "

Overplayed. Overrated.

The 2/8`2003 chalet was a bitter disappointment.
The boys all bought a Playstation Portable. Furiously jamming keys, eyes glued to dazzling graphics on a squintingly small screen.
Four beds, 18 growing adolescents.

The girls tried to start a round of gossip, all efforts fall short. A topic couldnt keep us going for more than 10 minutes. Laspes of awkward silences. Restless fidgeting. Phone texting under the sheets. There was nothing new, nothing controversial, nothing scandalous.

Having known each other for 4years, did the novelty wore off? Did our friendship gotten stale? Sad to say, I think it did. I refuse to allow the cynics out there to crow and gloat, I'm sure there's a better reason to the disaster of a chalet. But what?

Games were bought up, and rejected. Yes, sure they were childish and campish. SO WHAT? It still beats slacking on the bed all day watching reruns on TV. You scoff the ideas, saying you played them before, saying they were "LAME", you couldnt be enthusiastic about it, so you poured cold water all over. Cuz if you cant get fired up about it, you wanted to make sure others can't too. Allow me to put what i want to express to you in three coherent and effective words : WHAT THE FUCK?

Readers, you remember my post two entries back (scroll down) about my iJ class. You studied SocialStudies, you learnt how to compare and contrast. Put the skills to good use now.


I hate to do this, I really do. I know after posting this entry up, there will be protests and whispers. I'm a traitor? I don't cherish my friendships? WHATEVER. But I couldnt keep it all in anymore.

FYI, I left the chalet with J on the second day. Where the girls are idling on the beds and the boys have all parked their asses at xSquare, being total geeks.


On the way back to woodlands, J and I gossiped like there's no tomorrow. She's great. If it werent for her, I think I would have went bonkers at downtown east.



On that very day, she's the only resaon why I still believe that friendships dont have expiry dates.

The only reason.

Let's christen it.

Welcome.
Fuckinguntitled- had been loyal.
It had been going for a long time.
I could sense its weariness.
It wants to retire, and move to the Bahamas and sip magaritas or whatever what old retired blogs do.

I clung to it, refusing to let it go, but it insisted.
It said with a fond smile,
"Tze, I was with you through your secondary school life. It had been a wonderful ride. I saw you change and grow through the 2 odd years you have been pouring your tears and expletives into me. But you're older now, and you started to write more of your opinions and less on what you do on a daily routine. Your mindset changes, you are no longer the small, insecure and angsty (well, maybe still angsty) teen you were when you created fuckinguntitled-. Its time to free me and move on to a less angsty, more mature site. Its time to shed your old personality. "

I bawled.
Fuckinguntitled- gave me one last pat and pried my fingers off.
It turned and walked into the crimson sunset.


Err, not exactly. But I was always a hapless romantic. (:

Anyway.
Welcome to tale-dujour.
It seems promising, and its going to accompany me through the years to come. I will be looking forward. Hopefully, you dear loyal readers will also anticipate what tale-dujour got to offer.
I promise to make it good and tammy-free. (:

Ode to o6123a.

I know I do not usually write about events that happens everyday. But this entry shall be an exception. :D

We went to East Coast today, and honestly, it was the best fun I had in ages. We were laughing every one minute, screaming every two minute and enjoying every single moment.

We played games, stupid games that ends with us rolling on the sand with hysteria. Jokes that didnt seemed at funny were sending us to insane shrieks and roars. I mean, when I went to the beach with my other friends in secondary school, most of the girls will be on the mat, chatting and afraiding to get wet or dirty, boys will be in a world of thier own. Cliques were formed. There were more gossips than activities. People will group together to tend to their own, games will be suggested, but none really put into action.

BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT.

EVERYBODY joined in the fun. Oh my god, there wasn't a single bored moment in the entire day! We played double whacko ( PEISHAN IS SOOOO BLOODY BLUR CAANN), volleyball, monkey, and ALL the lame games we played when we were kids were dragged up. And eveything turn out to be heaps of fun. We sang camp songs and scream stupid cheers.

"Kahlai you so cool you make me woo!"
"Lisda you sissy you make me woo!"
"Weiming you horny you make me woo!"
"khairyn you sexy you make me woo!"
"PEISHAN YOU SO BLUR YOU MAKE ME BOOOO!"

I couldnt recall the last time I laughed so so so hard. So very hard.

We did crazy gymnastics and circus stunts, we even scaled trees!, all for the sake of snapping a few death defying photos. But oh my god, did we had fun. And did we guys have great teamwork work or WHAT.

We rented blades. Although only weiming, khairyn and lisda and me could blade, (Lisda learned fast) it was hilarious teaching the rest. KAHLAI! HOW MANY TIME DID YOU FALL TODAY? HAAH. And ALL rented blades. All were willing to try and join in the fun. Back than, only a few of my friends would wanna blade, the rest would prefer to sit around or do their own stuffs. BUT you guys were great! Everybody were determined to make it the more the merrier. It was utterly wonderful. Also, weiming, khairyn, lisda and me went blading on ourselves after awhile. And went to this pretty section of the beach, NATURALLY we took snapshots. HAHA.

GUYS! Remember the untangling game? OH LORD, SOOO FRUSTRATING! But we kept laughing!

WE ARE SO VAINNNN! ALL OF US LOVE TO TAKE PHOTOS! AND THE PHOTOS ALL SO STUUUPID ONE! WAHAHAH.


It really breaks my heart yto split us up again. Lisda, Khairyn and Peishan! Dont go AJ la! Stay with us in INNOVA! o623a needs you! Val! dont go NJ la! We will be the BEST class ever. Rochester should stay laaa, go YJ for WHAT. IJ more fun CANN. The knights of the round tabke needs you! Little Johnny needs you! But nevertheless, we are having a BBQ this sat! YAYYAYYAY! Im so anticipating! We re gonna have double the joy! 0623A RAWKKKKKS!

WHOOSH.

Im delirious with joy. (=
So im not right in the head.
Wanna hear me sing? :D

I love you people. So much. THIS MUUUUCCCCH! HUGGGGS.

Revenge is indeed, sweet.

I was scanning through the list of contacts on my MSN list and I ran across this nickname by oe of my juniors ;

"248 days to O...muz study hard!"

And the only coherent thought that ran through my mind was :
AH.HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
SUCKA!!! YOUR TURN YOUR TURN! NEH NEH NEH POO POO!

Not very mature , I know.
But I was smug beyond reasoning.

The feeling is SO DAMNED GOOOOOD, I TELL YOU.
Knowing that you have passed that obstacle, and exceeded expectations, you tend to forget there are others out there, mugging hard for the Os, their expectations not yet fulfilled, dreams not yet crushed nor realized.


It all seemed such a long time ago now.

HEEEHEEEEHEE! Revenge is oh-so-sweeeet! oh-soooo-sweeeet! Lalalalalooloolalalala!



Haha, I should really stop now. Perhaps another would be laughing at me, I have not taken the As yet.


123456789 days to As...muz study(reasonably) hard!