(Rhon, I decided to take your advice.)
So this is goodbye.
MOVED. http://www.tzeee.livejournal.com
(Most of the entries in the new place are private.
Comment here for the password.
If I like you, I will tell you.)
It's been a long ride, and this is my 222nd entry.
IJ, you've been damn good.
Today was the last day of school.
Although technically there is an excess of consultations and extra lessons the week after and thus there was a lack of nostalgia in the air, I still felt that as the very last day of my JC school life and also, the very last day in which I enjoy the paraphernalia of structured schooling (timetables, classrooms, uniforms, etc) for the rest of my miserable life, I might as well go out with a bang.
Hello there, the people I spent the majority of my two years in IJC. (:
Two years sound short, but we've all changed rather dramatically, be it in physical, mental or interactive terms. Regardless of what has happened and the damage/memories made, nevertheless, y'all have made certain things exclusively our private jokes, certain conversations unforgettable, and a hell lot of times into memories. In the most cliche way but still from the bottom of my heart, thks fr th mmrs!
Hello there, ELEVENS (:
It was one hell of a IJC ride with all you crazy kids, and I know for certain I will definitely be hanging out with most of you again. The very essence of the class, we are so goddamn sexy hello! Cheers to Adventure Camp, Inter-House Tournament, Christmas 2006, I@Fun, morning basketball, College Sports Days, Basketball Finals and all the birthdays we rocked.
Hello, Team IJC (:
It's been insane fun with you girls. Exhausting trainings and spectacular falls, we've been through them all. And not forgetting, the camp and ADivs 2007 where we came so close and yet so far. Thank you for Siying's KNNBCCB, Lisda's kick-ass defending, Katherine's multiple injuries, Merelda's "OHMYGOD!"s, Rhonda's spectacular shots and Yiwen's signature splits. All the love!
And Hellooooo, 0623A, the most kick-ass class in IJC.
It's funny how we all managed to go through so much stuff in a short span of two years. All the fights/quarrels/tears/confrontations, I get breathless thinking about it. But somehow or another, we managed to pull through each and every time. Granted, some of us might not have grown very emotionally attached to the class, but given all the things that we have gone through, I'm sure you've at least given a tiny part of yourself to the class. And I think I better stop before I sound like Hallmark. Whatever it is, it was a damn awesome two years with this class, cheers!
So it's the end of JC life and 0623A.
No more early morning runs with Kah Lai.
No more beef noodles, Joyce.
No more long chats in the toilet with Flora.
No more looking at SwuJuan trying her very best to seduce Lisda.
No more sudden yells, RuiShan.
No more fruits from the nice auntie, Khairyn.
No more marveling at Selene's piano skills in SR1.
No more stupid photos with Eileen.
No more "Shit! I lost my water bottle AGAIN!" from Lisda.
No more trying to force Cindy to start sleeping at night instead of studying.
No more seeing Nescafe on Weechen's desk.
No more chatting with WeiMing during Math tutorials.
No more chocolates from Bentink.
And it's always these small inconspicuous quirks and habits that I will miss the most.
You know that you obviously do not know how to play the game when your best shot at us was to run to a teacher whining to her, to put it nicely, that "we've been affecting you a lot with the things we've been saying." Honey, that was phased out back in Primary 3 when we were still wearing singlets under our uniforms.
Putting aside the fact that on the day shit happens on you, both of us were conspiciously, glaringly, apparently, saliently (any more paraphrases yo) absent from school, I, no, WE don't really care about matters regarding you, in case you didn't notice for the past 2 years.
Joyce sang this song to the perfect pitch, hitting all the right notes. Go take a look to get a better picture.
My one last petty, chilidish, stooping-right-down-to-your-level shot before Farewell Assembly : At least I've a seat.
I'm rather lazy for wordy recounts, so here goes my weekend in absolute conciseness:
Jasmin's 18th = Rooftop dining + brooding waiter + warm clammy heat + too much awfullychocolate cake + helium balloons + laughing ourselves sick + kick-ass ambiance + the same familiar love.
Happy birthday, lovely.
Saturday dinner with Bestf at Brecko's, HollandV and ended up at 2am Dessert Bar where I got to know new fascinating people.
You know it meant a lot that you bothered to meet me up so you can tell me about you-know-what!
xoxo!
So it was HollandV two consecutive days for the final dose of ultimate undeserved self-indulgence before this last month of intensive examination preparations. Chemistry tuition today had my tutor sweating over a single Organic Chemistry question for an hour. It sort of gives you a new perspective on how you might crash, burn and die in the actual exam, so thanks, I really needed that cheerful thought to keep me going this last lap.
In Joyce's words, "Get the TZE on yo!"
Because everything changes, but its such a pity to fall out now, after so many things that we've gone through together, I thought we were made of stronger stuff. But life knocks you around sometimes, and you find yourself with unexpected circumstances and people. Whatever it is, hopefully we can thrash it out after As, because I said it before, y'all made it real for me the past one plus year, let it not end this way.
In a moment of intensely emotional deposition, I sat down and spilled my heart into an entry here. So much so that I could feel the week's worth of burgeoning hurt, angst, heartache and frustrations rising up, like bile in the throat. Writing that entry was so cleansing and deeply personal, it felt like I shoved a hand down my throat to fling all that I've been feeling and thinking onto the screen. Much to my embarrassment, I ended the entry in tears. I decided to save it as a draft because that post is way too intimate and personal for public reading. But it felt really, really refreshing, and I feel lighter now.
The only thing that made me happy this week : Shahril! called me from wherever he was in the world and we had a good good gooooood catching up. He's coming back for a month around middle October and I seriously can't wait to see him.
It's been so long since I had encountered feelings and emotions like these that amusingly, I've forgotten what and how I'm supposed to react. Apparently I've forgotten how sharp it hurts sometimes too, at night.
So she said what's the problem baby,
what's the problem I don't know
well maybe I'm in love,
think about it everytime I think about it
can't stop thinkin' bout it.
P & L: I love both you girls long long time, thanks for being there for me in the dead of the night.
I'm sneaking this post from Vonne's laptop over at Republic Poly as I overlook her Lifesaving training going on in the pool right now. I hope she doesn't kamikazie from one end of the pool to another wayward end without any ounce of direction again. The last time she did it, she blamed it on the lack of lights. (Excuses)
The view from my seat is rather winning. I can see the tanned boys streaking across the pool and the muscled ones scaling up the rock wall in the adventure course further away.
(I secretly cannot wait for XW's party this weekend because although it's the month of Ramadan, you-know-who will be going! MAJORRR. :) )
Tomorrow's Lit paper and I only got myself rather thoroughly accquainted with Raju, I need to go spend some time with the Duchess now. Ciao.
Two more days!
How much longer will it take to cure this
just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
makes me wanna turn around and face me bt I don't know nothing 'bout love...
My parents are jetting off to good ol' Bangkok (read: second home) for four days, and for the first time, without my brother and I in tow.
My father: ectastic because he can finally visit Buddhist temples and random places which he could never in the past because we were supremely disinterested and expressively whiny about it.
My mother : glum because she lost her best shopping partner.
My brother: secretly excited because he gets unlimited freedom, which is a tad scary if you think what four days of post-exams liberation without parental presence can do to a sixteen-year-old boy, considering my parents are taking the internet access cable along with them, hence no WarCraft to ground him at home.
Sadly, it makes little difference to me because I am still in the midst of Prelims II and what else can I do but study? The worst I can do is study till very late hours, but still, I'm studying.
Pffah, pathetic.
But I hope they have a safe flight and a satisfactory time.
You know you've the bestestEST Bestf anywhere around when you've been moody and in a depressed funk of late, and she surprised you by cabbing down to your place at midnight with a box of homemade cookies baked by the love herself, and gives you the kind of hug that makes you feel infinitely better, at least for the moment.
Nothing works like chocolate comfort and the Bestf's love.
I ain't got no Visa
I ain't got no Red American Express
We can't go nowhere exotic
It don't matter 'cause I'm the one that loves you best
Cedele with bestf was absolute therapy. It felt so fucking good just to spend time with her again, I have no grace in trying to express my happiness. I'm just glad we're throughly updated on each others' lives. Damn, nothing comes close to the feel-good I get from yakking with her, seriously. Love from the bottom of my <3
And,
We, or rather, bestf accompanied me down to Yishun to surprise Lisda at her birthday dinner with her secondary schoolmates. The place was so remote and tucked away that the cab driver had difficulty trying to locate it. Fortunately, Khairyn spotted us in the cab zooming past and she called me. Yeah, don't ask me how she managed to recognize me in a passing cab but she did, thankfully. The birthday girl was satisfactorily surprised by me, so all was worth it.
Just a few, no, A LOT of her favorite things from all over SG. After she is through consuming them, I am going to buy her a weighing scale. (HAHAHA) So for the 123456789th time, Happy 18th Lis. Enjoy the hamper with generosity aye? It was made with much love, brain-wrecking, and exorbitant MRT fees.
Not feeling very cheerful at the moment, it's been a quite some time since I felt this way at night.
(I don't know what is it you want from me, can you please tell me what do you actually want? Goddamn.)
EMO shit manzxzxzx.
Good night, people.
The rules are as follows:
If you are tagged, you need to write an entry related to the meme. At the end of your entry you just need to tag as many person as you like. You will then leave a comment in their blog to let them know they have been tagged.
Please copy and paste this rule somewhere in your entry.
1. A person is only as good as what he/she is to you when you're fat/ugly/broke/controversial.
2. Friendship is always about unconditional acceptance and comfortable silences.
3. To love is to invest throughly and entirely, even when the stock prices might free-fall at any given time.
4. Money makes me broke, ironically.
5. I miss MOS Burger, green-skittles-on-the-MRT-bench, exchanging-knowing-looks-and-bursting-into-giggles secondary school everydays with bestf.
6. My way of saying I care is never as eloquent as the words I say to those I don't.
7. I try to spread love and happiness by doing a little here and there every day.
8. Pick the flowers if you have someone you love enough to give it to.
9. To love someone is hell......and heaven concomitantly.
10. Beauty is money.
11. When I was thirteen, what I remember the most was my disastrous individual school photo that nobody have ever seen, fortunately.
12. When I was twenty one, I remember I don't know yet but I sure as hell won't forget it when it's over.
13. I am most happy when I get something or someone to look forward to.
14. Nothing makes me happier than unexpected sweet little gestures and actions from the people that matter.
15. If I can change one thing, I will change the direct relationship between the amount we consume and the weight we put on into an inverse one.
16. If smiles were expensive then I think I would be effing poor.
17. Wouldn't it be nice if we could stay encapsulated at 18 forever?
18. If you want to be accepted then you have to first accept yourself.
19. Money is not everything but it sure as hell can buy me most of it.
20. The most touching moments I have experienced is when you waited for me at the bridge in the park at 11pm and sang me that special song.
21. I smile when I think about November 16th and all the plans we have after that.
22. When I am happy, I grin like a moron...and I can't stop.
23. If only I don't have to care about the future, then i can be living life the way I want to live right now.
24. The best thing I did yesterday was to the 3 hours long chat into the wee morning hour with bestf.
25. If I ever write a book, I will give it this title, Banned and controversial. (Reverse psychology works yo.)
26. One thing I must do before I die is to have the most kick-ass marriage to the the man who can still give me butterflies in my stomach even after our 50th Anniversary.
27. Doing this meme, I am putting off reality for awhile.
P.S Today was wonderfully spent. (:
We brought too much food for the party, and too little batteries for the cameras. I dig SwuJuan's basketball style today, the last time to Roc Your Body 23A! is over. And I officially lost my mind this afternoon. (What the hell were you thinking, Tze)
Swimming with the girls later.
"I don't want the world to see me,
because I don't think the world understands."
I'm feeling uncharacteristically melancholic at the moment. The luxury of time to think about matters of the heart is rather depressing.
Feel for a 1am phone call and an old friend's comfortable silence.
The top of the playground's slide,
you take one side of the earphones and I will take the other.
The world can sleep while our B&J melts beside.
Tonight.
(But you're all the way at the other side of the world, living out life the way you said you would. It's one exciting country to another, but do you miss home and us you left behind? Because I miss you, Ril. I really do. )
I need your comfortable presence and how you will never judge me on why I did the things I did now. You will understand, you always do.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
who knows how to love you without being told.
Somebody tell me why am I on my own,
if there's a somebody for everyone.
It was a long week that flew by, (how oxymoronic I know) but my brain feels raped with all the impending and past mock exams and essays and assignments and prep talks that I think I've temporarily lost the ability for coherence. Pardon me, but this entry is going to be in a very higgledly-piggedly manner.
Mock exams are the flavors of the week. It was Math to Chemistry to General Paper to another huge-ass Math mock which was so impossible to do that it got my girls seeking solace in Burger King right after. Call it the binge-therapy theory, why not.
Everyone agrees I'm turning yellow. My mother is seriously considering a medical check-up and my father thinks I'm bulimic. @#$%^! this is getting out of hand.
Economics seminar was totally useless, all the Economics teachers from IJC zao-ed during the tea reception. We obediently followed suit. Dammit, my four dollars and not even anything from the tea reception. Ecnomics students hungry kids. So it was IMM with Lai Lai, Cindy, Bentink and Weechen. That was surprisingly very enjoyable.
(Lai Lai, we have to track down that Thai place and don't tell anyone so nobody will form bloody queues. PINEAPPLE FRIED RICE OMGZXZX!)
The bloody rain is ridiculous.
And I realize someone rather entertaining is spamming our class blog. Any idea who this Cheryl person is and why is she calling us chicken-byes? What is a chicken-bye anyway?
No more for now, I found an awesome site selling the most gorgeous dresses at the most orgasmic prices I AM OFF BABY.
P.S Joyce I saw a bright pink car today and I secretly named it after you.
It's 3.32 am and I can't get to sleep.
Moments like these when you think about randoms, staring at the single dot of light on your air-conditioner. I thought about the talk I had with Mom in the jacuzzi five hours ago, and how she lost complete contact with her best friend from her girlish days. She told me how they used to be inseparable, and how her best friend would only board the bus if she saw my mother's waving hand out of the rear window every morning to school. Now they have lost complete contact, my mother tried calling, but it seems like she changed her mobile number. I saw that wistful look on her face in the pool, she thought it was too dark for me to notice.
I thought about the frenzied studying taking place, the cramming of concepts and formulas in which we will hold and only finally regurgitating when November disembark-- and promptly forgetting everything once that three hours are up. The vehement fight to park one's behind safely into a local institution to only begin on another vicious pursuit for yet another spot in firms and companies, in another word, to seek for a job, which will undoubtedly evolve inexorably into life's typical hamster's wheel, we, the hamsters running and never ending, for the money, it's always about the money. When will it not be about money?
I thought about friends, the all-consuming center of our teenage years. The friends from secondary classes, the friends from netball, the friends from junior college. Friends so vastly different from one another, but somehow or another, we always end up with the same problems that rock the boat. I thought about being 18 and what it heralds, all the vices that defines this generation's hip factor? I don't fancy the number 8 much though, 8 feels like its near the end, two more numbers and you end a chapter in life, mate. And as so many say, this is the best chapter I will ever live.
I thought about National day and the theme song this year. They seem to lose the flavor of a national song steadily every year. What every happened to good old hearty "We are Singapore, we are Singapore. We will stand together to hear the lion roar."? I remember churning it out gustily when I was a kid, and thinking childishly that we've got the best national day song in the whole wide world.
I thought about love, and why it is so much harder to forgive love than to forgive hate. Somewhere in a book, I came across this line "The one who holds the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least." Apt, rather. People rant about living in a society full of facades and masquerades, but they never stop to think how necessary it is, this form of self-protection. Emotional investments has heavy costs and if any, uncertain returns.
I thought about the scene in the flick Men in Black, in which both of them opened a locker and realized an entire world is living inside, and how the scene expanded to show that their world is only another tiny locker in a bigger universe.
I have funny thoughts.
Its 4.53 am, another day beckons.
Go ahead and socialize with that new person. It will be interesting for you both.
Try not to be too suspicious of someone who has been paying a lot of attention to you lately. Why are you doubting that they are genuinely interested in you? There are no strings attached, so stop worrying. It makes perfect sense that they would want to get to know you better, so why don't you let them? Drop your guard just a little bit and let them in. Go ahead, and socialize with them. It will be very interesting and illuminating for you both.
Please give me strength. I (desperately) need to be strong enough to tide over these few months and I'm (not) just referring to my studies. (I'm sorry that) I'm just not steady enough in so many aspects in my messed up life. (I'm sorry that) I've been neglecting and have been neglected by people who matters most to me. (I hate it that) I allow myself to be affected by them, because it just means that I (stupidly) let myself be vulnerable (again). I (hate myself for) being played a fool, and permitting myself to be used (over and over again). I feel so much contempt for my weakness, that I think I'm brimming with self-loathing.
I'm (not) strong enough. All I want to do is break down and cry.
Eils, you and me are going to do midnight studying and then go for prata and satay because we are going to totally deserve it after frying our brain cells over Econs and Chemistry aye! I know it sucks to see people around you having the drive except you, and I can relate. But please remember that you are going to enter NUS with me next year to see the boys and break their hearts okay! Anyway, we haven't been talking for ages and you should be ashamed of yourself, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER WOMAN. I want the dirrrty, sordid details soon!
(AND PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING THAN GO OFFLINE IMMEDIATELY OKAY. I will hunt you down and kill you. )
The Impossible Quiz